The problem with me in the last 1-2 months is that I find it hard to find time for myself to think about the shit that’s going on in my head. I work full time then when I get home I have a shower go have dinner if I can eat then go to sleep. This weekend I am taking it easy, so I’m going to have a lot of time. But I keep finding myself trying to make plans with people so I am busy and I get distracted from what is going wrong in my life. I want to sort it out and work out where I go from here. But at the same time I am so scared it’s gotten to far that I physically and mentally won’t be able to face the shit going on in my head. I put up a front that I am so happy around my friends unless you catch me in a glimpse where you see me thinking you would be able to see nothing about me is happy. All the problems I’ve found out about my family, I don’t even know where to begin to start to think about my dad. For four and half years I thought my dad’s death was an accident but really it was suicide how to do I process that in my head. How do I think ? Like my dad decided to leave this world and everything and his children behind when I was 14 and I wasn’t told anything until now. I understand why I was told now rather than when I was 14 because I wouldn’t of been emotionally ready or mature enough to understand why he did it. But now I have to go through this grieving process all over again. This year I thought I was doing so much better an actually accepting he was gone now everything is fucked up again. THINGS ARE FUCKED. I have no one to talk to because one of my best mates are overseas and the other one has so much on her plate and i just feel so alone with all these fucked feelings. I don’t want to go down the path I used to be like but now I feel closer than ever to picking up the blade or doing something stupid because it’s easier to end everything than deal with everything because I don’t know how. I don’t want to be suicidal I don’t want to be selfish. But it’s not easy. I hate myself for being like this. I fucking hate myself.